Friday, September 3, 2010

Bow Before Your Dog(G)

Yesterday I went to the hippest party in town. It was a CD release party for a rap album by a local Christian kid. In his own words it's, "... the same cool beats beats, but with all the sex, drugs, and violence left behind."So, in other words that are not his own, its pretty much a hillock of plant infested dog doo-doo. Also, he's whiter than plain yogurt.

Speaking of dogs, this fellows rap name is Wesdogg. (You cant tame the Wesdogg, Brit.) This is obviously one of the most inventive names ever. A simpleminded man, such as yourself, obviously cant even comprehend the creativity put into it, so let me explain to you just why it's so fresh.

Its like this, yo. It's a sort of portmanteau and shit, because his real name is wesley and he combined that with the word dog. But the originality does not stop there my brethren, for he added another G! Cracka' be crazy!
Wesdogg. WESDOGG. So fucking insane! How he even think of that? I sure couldn't have,
Its like the most original rap name since Snoop Dogg (also featuring two G's) or Nate Dogg (Holy shit, two G's again! Great minds think alike.) The name also brings to mind B Dog or Sen Dog from Cypress Hill, but they're not as famous because their names only have one G. In other words, Fuck em.

Anyways, I did actually enjoy two tracks off the album but only because they are so hilariously bad.
1. Buy You a Walrus
A sentimental ballad about how much he loves his baby girl. So much in fact, that he'd buy her stuff. Even a mother fucking walrus! In the last verse he shows that he would love his baby girl forever by having the wettest (No sexual innuendo intended.) jacuzi in the world. This jacuzi of course resides in their house made of candy. Because his baby girl is sweeter than candy. They live on a beach, it's quite sandy. Would that not be dandy? (Actual rhyme scheme might I add.)

2. At the Thrift Sto'
This is a club banger about buyin' yo' sheeeeit at a thrift sto'. It features the whitest imitator of DMX I have ever heard. He is of course doing back up. Growling such phrases as: AT THE THRIFT STO'

Wesdogg: See these shoes I wear? I got em Yellow Tag
DMX: WHATS THE YELLOW TAG MEAN!?!
Wesdogg: It means I got 'em half priced! Only spent a couple bucks, now Im lookin' so nice
... The price is so low I just have to scream! AT THE THRIFT STO'

Yeah Classic shit.
Bored of typing now.

(PS: What's with rappers and dog? Plenty of 'em seem to have an obsession for the canine, DMX for example wants to know where they are at, at almost all times. And the Baha Men always want to know who let them out. This means that they are not only obsessed, but they are also very bad masters that have a hard time keeping track of their animals. Shame on them! Everyone take out your index fingers and rub the shame on them.)

12 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Rappers like dog because they can relate

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  4. I lol'd VERY hard
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  6. Cool story ahahah.
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  7. i love fun !i wishi i was tehere too

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  8. lol, eh at least you get to go out man.

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